No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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