pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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