Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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