his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
