Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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