R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
