Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
