at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
