Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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