Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
