I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
