My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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