i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
