Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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