I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
