Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
