you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
