Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
