If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
