I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
