I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
