I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
