Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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