Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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