woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
