If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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