The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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