my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
