mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
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She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..