great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.