i jhust puked up my retainher.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
