he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
