yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
