matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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