Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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