i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
