I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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