i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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