Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
