We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
