Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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