I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
