Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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