I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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