jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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