My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
