What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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