So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
