I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
