I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
