does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
