One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Never underestimate the power of titties
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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