you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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