I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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