it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
