You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
