Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
