20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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