I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
