That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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