why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
