38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He? As in you personified your dick?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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